Do You Judge Your Parents or Loved Ones? Here’s What That Really Means

I’ve been sitting with something lately — an intuition download that kept nudging me: judgment isn’t just about others. It’s a mirror.

A mirror to our own fears, insecurities, and hidden parts we’ve shoved away. Especially when it comes to those we love — parents, caregivers, people who shaped us.

I share this not because I have all the answers, but because I’m walking this journey with you. Because I believe in the healing that comes from seeing ourselves more clearly, together.

Judgment: What It Really Is + Why We Do It

Judgment as Armor

When we judge others, often what we’re doing is putting on armor by pointing out what someone else lacks — their flaws, “weaknesses,” shadows — we temporarily feel safer, stronger, above them. It’s like building a little pedestal so we don’t have to admit how vulnerable or imperfect we feel inside. It deflects what we think other people are thinking about us. If we can point a finger at someone else, we redirect any negative attention away from ourselves.

Projection & the Shadow Self

Sometimes what we criticize in someone else is something we fear lives inside us. We deny it, so it feels safer to see it elsewhere. That’s projection. The more intensely we judge someone, the more unacknowledged or painful that part is in ourselves.

I see this often in the men I know. They struggle with societal norms or perceived expectations, such as being a caretaker, a leader, or a breadwinner. If they can point to someone else’s inadequacies for a moment, they do not have to look within themselves. We all do this, not just a specific gender. I use men as an example here, but all genders do this to cover their perceived weaknesses.

We use this mechanism to make ourselves feel better, sometimes deeming others as lesser, because we are taking advantage of them. If we perceive them as less than ourselves, it feels less wrong to take advantage. I know, that's a hard one to swallow. I have used this ugly mechanism to ignore my mom when she tried to call me. It is such an ugly trait in myself, and I feel so bad that I did this. At the moment, I made her out to be less important than I was, so it justified my bad behavior. But at the end of the day, it is just bad behavior, unkind and cruel. It highlighted beliefs I had about myself that pertained to feelings of inadequacy.

Why Parents Become Targets

• Because they were “firsts” in our lives — first caregivers, first relationships, first models of love and vulnerability — their strengths and their shortcomings became woven into how we understand ourselves. This doesn't make them bad parents; it makes them human.

• Because we carried expectations — sometimes unconscious ones — of what they should have been: emotionally available, always supporting, infallible. When reality fell short, shame & disappointment got buried.

• Because admitting weakness or vulnerability to them felt risky — shame, fear of being unloved or misunderstood. So we defended by blaming, shutting down, or judging.

• Because we want to be separate from them, we want to be our own person and not an extension of our parents. We don’t want to represent their beliefs and ideas; we want to have our own.

• Because it is easy to see our parents through a lens of perfection, if they aren’t doing all the right things and always making the right calls so that we get everything we want, we call them bad parents.

We also live in a society that blames parents for all of our adult issues and failings. The hard truth is, if we decide to think that way, we have a choice. We can see our parents and caregivers as human beings with their own ghosts, shadows, past experiences, trauma, and misconceptions. It is true that as a parent, you are under tremendous pressure to abide by current parenting styles and trends, societal and cultural beliefs, and your own family’s ideas, ideology, and religious beliefs, and that if you aren't doing what the other parents expect, you are judged as being a bad parent. There is so much pressure before we even address all the things caregivers are dealing with regarding their own life issues, challenges, shadows, and emotions. Parents will never be perfect. They will make mistakes because they are human. Often they are young, in their 20s. Imagine being responsible for a child while you are a child yourself.

Even if you have all the best intentions as a parent, you will still make mistakes. You are an easy target for your children to judge you because there is so much about you that they do not know. After all, often parents shield their children from their own issues. Sometimes, parents maintain a facade for the benefit of their children. It is not an accurate representation of who the parent actually is. Some parents feel they are expected to be the leader, authoritarian, and a good example, and therefore shield their children from their true selves.

Important point: I am aware that there are indeed some parents who are downright awful. I am not talking about them. But you have to wonder, how did they get there? How were they born, just like you and I, and end up so lost? What shadows are they dealing with?

The Cost of Judging

• It distances us — from our parents, from connection, from the part of ourselves that wants to be seen.

• Others judge us because our judging of them hurts. And when you are hurt, you often judge to relieve the pain.

• It keeps us small — because the more we focus on the outside, the less we grow.

• It keeps us in low-vibe mode. Being judgmental keeps us in low-vibe energy.

• It perpetuates old patterns and wounds — things passed down, unhealed.

A Gentle Invitation

I want to invite you (and myself) to try something different this week:

Notice: the next time you feel critical of your parent (or someone close), pause. Ask quietly: What in me is being triggered?

Feel what’s underneath — shame? Fear a part that felt unseen when you were younger?

Speak compassion internally: “I am allowed to be imperfect. I am allowed to be weak. I am human.”

Perhaps consider reaching out — with compassion, clarity, and vulnerability — either to your parent, or in your inner dialogue, to that younger you who needed love and acceptance. I often journal about it. It really helps.

Use an Affirmation

Here’s one I’ve been saying when I notice myself judging:

“I see my shadow. I release the need for superiority. I honor my own humanity.”

In Conclusion

I have done a lot of work on this; unfortunately, I didn't really take on this work until my parents were dying. I held a stupid grudge that, in the end, only hurt everyone.

I did have some trauma in my childhood. I did suffer for a long time because of that trauma and, in fact, am still working through it. But now I realize that my parents had their own trauma. They had their own issues and fears. It wasn't me; it was their own fears that got in the way.

Thank you for sitting with me in this.

Thank you for being willing to feel deeply and to see yourself reflected in all this. You are not alone. You are more than your judgments. You are growing. You are healing.

To listen to the whole companion podcast, out on October 2. https://linktr.ee/i.care.about.you.podcast

With love & care,

Juliana