When Love Feels Like a Lie

betrayal distorts our view of the relationship

Betrayal is often associated with infidelity—the ultimate breach of trust. But what about the betrayals that don’t involve another person? The ones that chip away at your sense of self in slow, subtle ways until one day, you wake up feeling invisible?

As I’ve been researching relationship betrayal, I’ve realized that cheating is just one chapter in a much bigger book of broken trust. The betrayals that leave lasting scars are often the ones that happen every day, in small moments, through behaviors that erode respect, safety, and connection.

I’m talking about:

• Chronic lying, even about small things, until reality feels unstable.

• Disrespect, spoken or unspoken—eye rolls, dismissiveness, sarcasm, or constant criticism.

• Not remembering things about you, like your favorite book, how you take your coffee, or the story you told last week.

• Pretending to care about your needs but consistently ignoring them.

• Emotional unavailability, where you feel like you’re standing outside their world, knocking, but the door never opens.

• Inability to have difficult conversations, avoiding hard topics or deflecting blame.

• Refusing to grow or change, expecting you to tolerate their shortcomings while never working on themselves.

• Addiction, not just to substances, but to work, social media, or anything that keeps them distant.

• Pretending to be someone they are not, building a relationship on false foundations.

• Never giving, only taking, making you feel like you’re in a relationship alone.

• Self-absorption, where you feel more like a supporting character in their life than an equal partner.

• Manipulation, using guilt, passive-aggressiveness, or playing the victim to control situations.

• Gaslighting, making you question your own reality by denying things they said, twisting events, or acting like you’re “too sensitive.”

The Slow Erosion of Trust

Betrayal isn’t always loud and obvious. Sometimes, it’s quiet neglect. It’s how you stop sharing your thoughts because you know they won’t listen. It’s the moment you realize their words mean nothing because their actions never match. It’s the exhaustion of explaining your pain over and over, only to be met with excuses or indifference.

One of the most damaging aspects of this type of betrayal is self-doubt. You wonder:

• Am I expecting too much?

• Am I overreacting?

• Am I the problem?

• Do I have a right to expect better in a relationship?

• Am I worthy of more?

• Is this just how relationships are?

• Am I a bad person?

• Am I a nag and controlling?

  
  

But here’s the truth: Wanting to be heard, seen, and respected in a relationship isn’t a “high standard.” It’s the bare minimum.

Why Do People Betray in These Ways?

Through my research, I’ve found that these betrayals are rarely intentional—but that doesn’t make them any less painful. Some reasons people act this way include:

• Avoidance – They fear confrontation, so they lie, shut down, or disappear when things get tough.

• Emotional immaturity – They lack the skills to connect deeply, so they stay on the surface.

• Selfishness – They prioritize their needs above all else, sometimes unconsciously.

• Insecurity – They fear vulnerability, so they build walls instead of bridges.

• Addiction or trauma – Their past experiences shape their inability to be present and reliable.

• Entitlement – They believe you should love them as they are—even if "who they are" hurts you.

• Control – Gaslighting and manipulation are often used to maintain power in the relationship.

• Self-Sabotaging –, feelings of unworthiness of a relationship, self-punishing, proving their negative beliefs of self (ie, I am not lovable)

• Fear –Afraid of commitment, fear of responsibility, so they never get in deep enough to be counted on. 

The Aftermath: When You Realize You’ve Been Betrayed

When betrayal doesn’t come in the form of a single, undeniable act—like cheating—but instead years of being disregarded, it can be harder to recognize. But the signs are there:

• You stop trusting them, even with small things.

• You feel lonely, even when they’re right beside you.

• You start walking on eggshells, avoiding certain topics.

• You doubt your own perception, wondering if you’re overreacting.

• You feel emotionally exhausted, as if loving them is a full-time job.

• You feel resentful, because nothing is ever resolved or changes

• You feel worthless, because, intentional or not, you are treated as if you do not matter

Gaslighting, in particular, can make it even harder to see the betrayal clearly. If your partner constantly rewrites history, denies things they said, or makes you feel like you’re crazy, you may start to distrust your own memory and emotions.

Healing from This Kind of Betrayal

Healing from this form of betrayal is complex because there’s often no clear breaking point—just a series of small heartbreaks. Here’s what I’ve learned:

✅ Acknowledge the betrayal – Stop minimizing or rationalizing it. If you feel hurt and dismissed, your feelings are valid.

✅ Ask yourself: Is this fixable? – Is this a communication issue, or is this who they are? Some people can grow; others will never meet you where you need them to.

✅ Set boundaries – If someone consistently makes you feel unseen, unheard, and unloved, protect yourself. It’s okay to say, “I deserve more.”

✅ Rebuild self-trust – Betrayal by someone else often leads to betrayal of self—where you stop trusting your gut. Work on believing yourself again.

✅ Decide what you want your future to look like – If nothing changed, would you be okay with this relationship as it is? If the answer is no, what are you willing to do about it?

✅ Work on your own healing and self worth –Ask yourself, “Is this what I want or do I want something different?” If you want something different, outline what that might look like for yourself. Refer to it when you need reassurance. 

✅ Seek Support – Sometimes it means everything to have someone outside of the relationship validate your feelings and help you with the process. Especially if the relationship has created self-doubt. 

Final Thoughts

Not all betrayals involve another person. Sometimes, the deepest wounds come from a partner’s disinterest, dishonesty, and lack of care.

And here’s the hard truth: Someone who truly loves you will show up for you. They will listen, learn, and grow—not ideally, but intentionally. If they refuse to do that, they are showing you who they are. Believe them.

If you’ve experienced this kind of betrayal, know this:

💖 You deserve a relationship where you feel valued, cherished, and safe.

💖 You are not asking for too much. You are asking the wrong person.

💖 You don’t have to wait for someone else to give you love and respect—you can start by giving it to yourself.

💖 You do not have to attach any hatred to the person, but you do need to understand that just because they aren’t a villain doesn’t mean they are the right one for you.

You are worthy of love that doesn’t feel like a battle. 💜

Love, Juliana